Letting Go of the Control

The manager of the grocery store came over to my shopping cart where I was waiting to check out, and offered to load all of my groceries onto the conveyor belt.  Instead of being grateful, I went into full panic mode. He started loading them on, and I started to sweat as he put the bag of chips next to the milk. Doesn't he know that you put the heavy stuff on first, and the crushable stuff on last!?!!   All I could think of was the bag of crumbs that would be left of my precious chips when I got home.  Then he put the raw meat, next to the vegetables! The vegetables!!!!  Doesn't he know about salmonella, surely the vegetables will all be contaminated!!  I almost asked him to stop, but instead I tried to refocus and just be grateful.  I took a deep breath, and I told myself that everything was going to be okay, and of course it was. The chips got home safe, and the vegetables were uncontaminated, as far as I know...

I'm a control freak. I have been for a long time. I like things done my way.  I put a lot of thought into every little thing I do, so of course, my way is the right way. Right?  Maybe not, but for some reason when I feel I'm in control of everything, I feel safe. I've lived by the motto, "if you want something done right, do it yourself" for a long time.  I've gotten a little better since my kids were born.  I was finally faced with the fact that I couldn't do everything by myself. I had to have help, whether I liked it or not.  I know I'm going to sound ungrateful, but I had to let my husband give the kids a bath sometimes, even if sometimes he forgot to wash behind their ears.  I had to let my husband watch the kids without me sometimes, even if he fed them too many sweets or let them watch too much TV.  This was hard for me, giving up this control.  So of course, I would tell my husband, until I was blue in the face, the proper way to wash and take care of the kids. Ultimately, he always did things his way anyway.  

This control issue started early.  I was always a very quiet kid. I did what people told me to do, even if I was miserable.  It was probably around the 7th grade, that I found out that I had a voice.  And once I figured out that I could use my voice to create a world that made me more comfortable,  I did just that as often as I could.  The only problem was that I was like an unsocialized chihuahua.  I had figured out that my bark had some effect on people, but I didn't know how loud or how vicious it had to be for people to really hear it.  Essentially, I was really kind of mean.  I knew if I made my point viciously and with conviction, people would listen to me.  I certainly wasn't afraid to stand up for myself anymore, but I didn't realize that there were times when I didn't have to be quite so vicious.  You lose the upper hand, if you're sweet, I thought, and I needed that control to make me feel safe.

This need for control spilled out into my spiritual life as well. Part of what attracted me to the New Thought experience was this idea of recreating my own reality through the power of positive affirmations and intentions.  I was in control of my life, not some far-off angry, bearded God.  I was in control.

As I've gotten a deeper understanding of my own spirituality, I've started to see that I still didn't have this whole control thing just right.  Yes, I'm in control, in a sense.  I can create my own reality through changing my thoughts and setting intentions, but I'm still not seeing the whole picture.  I'm starting to realize that when I am in tune with the Holy Spirit (or the Universe, or my Inner Self, or whatever you would like to call it), I don't need to control everything.  In fact, I don't need to control anything.  Oddly enough, it is the "controlling" God, that I initially turned away from, that I want to control my life.

This time I'm viewing it differently though.  It's not the far-off, angry bearded God that's controlling me with fear and moral obligation, it is the Christ spirit within me that is guiding my way.  I'm listening and trusting to what my heart says, not to what anybody else in the world is saying.

Before, when I had a big decision to make, I would go through, in my head, every possible scenerio for every possible choice I could make.  I would stay up nights, racking my brain for anything I may have missed that could possibly affect the outcome of my decision. Then when I finally did make a decision, I would second guess it. Questioning my choice, over and over.

Now, when I have a big decision to make, I meditate and I pray. I find the quiet, and I listen. The answer always comes.  Sometimes it takes longer than others, sometimes it's not the answer that I hoped for, and sometimes I just don't want to trust the answer that I get.  I still second-guess it on occasion. But when I hear the answer, and I accept it, and I trust it, and I act upon it, it is in those times that I KNOW I have made the right decision.  Even if the whole world has turned against me because of it, I will not falter from my choice.  

So, this is where the control issue comes in. In those instances in which I am "in control", I've found that I've pulled the reigns so tight that often my experience is so limited and full of fear that having the control only gives me more stress.  When I let the Spirit (the Universe, my Inner self) guide me, the outcome is always more than I expected.  Everything is taken care of, and I don't need to worry about whether or not I'm making the right choice because I know I am. It becomes a beautiful, peaceful, perfect experience that is exactly what is meant to be in that moment.

So, now I've decided to drop my old motto in lieu of a new one;
Trust the universe, let go of the control, and enjoy the experience.

Releasing the Mommy Guilt

I have "mommy guilt" all the time.  No matter what I do, where I go, or how much time I spend with my kids, I always have it.  If I'm playing with them, I feel guilty that the house is such a mess.  If I'm cleaning, I feel guilty that I'm not playing with them.  If I give myself some quality alone time away, I feel guilty for leaving them.  If I don't give time to myself, I feel guilty for being so stressed out around them.  If I give them sweets, I feel guilty, if I don't, I feel guilty.  If they don't eat enough vegetables, if their shoes look too worn, if they don't have any clean socks that day, it goes on and on. Guilt, guilt, guilt.  I can't tell you how many times I have acted from a place of guilt or obligation rather than a place of love when it comes to my children.

I also can't tell you how many days I've spent just staring at the clock counting down the minutes until my husband comes home, so I can pass off the kids to him.  Daydreaming about what I'm going to do with my time, once I'm free from the kids for just a few moments.  The house is usually a whirlwind of toys, and some days an alcoholic drink is in hand.  I sometimes try to imagine the scene through my husband's eyes as he walks through the door, and I wonder how in the world he can look past it all.  He's used to it, I guess.  Guilt, guilt, guilt....

I'm a stay-at-home mom, so I always feel like I need to be some kind of super mom because I don't have a job.  I should have the house spotless, dinner on the table when my husband comes home, the kids should be reading to each other as I sew a homemade, heirloom quilt for my daughter, or some crap like that.  I always fall short, to say the least.  I'd rather be on facebook than play with play-dough.  I'd rather learn about new ways to meditate, than pretend I'm a cat or be in the kitchen scrubbing the floors.  I love my kids with all my heart, so when I'm not the super mom, I feel totally and completely guilty.

So, I searched my soul because I don't want to feel guilty. I want to be happy in every moment that I'm with my kids, even in the midst of the chaos.  I know anything done with guilt as the guiding force is never the right choice, and guilt never leads to anything but more problems.  So how do I learn to put the love in the place of the guilt?  I meditated on the question, and the answer came.  The concept was really quite simple.  Just be present.

So how do I do that? When my daughter wants to play hide-and-seek, my son is crying, the kitchen is mess, my husband is almost home, dinner isn't ready, and I have to leave in an hour to go to group meditation.  How do I be present in that chaos?  All I want to do is escape.  In my mind, I've already gone somewhere else.  Maybe somewhere in the future, maybe somewhere in the past.  And therein lies the problem. I'm somewhere else in my mind, somewhere peaceful, so when I'm forced to snap back into reality, it overwhelms me and everything seems like hell.

In that moment when the chaos overwhelms you, is one of the most critical times when you need to be completely present in the moment.  Take a step back, take a deep breath, and look at the situation again, this time with love.  Don't escape, just change your view.  Everything doesn't have to be perfect.  I'm not going to scar my kids if they're late to school, or if I don't play with them every second of the day, or even if I take a little vacation away from them.  Just be present, and everything will be okay.

When I'm in the here and now, I'm listening to my heart.  I'm seeing where it wants me to focus my attention on.  I just have to listen to it.  If I'm playing with my kids, and suddenly it's lost the joy for me and it's becoming a chore. Stop, listen.  Refocus.  That could mean just refocusing on how joyful this moment is, or maybe it means that it's time to stop playing and refocus on something else.  It could be the dirty dishes, or the laundry, or your self.  Just do it without the guilt. Make love your focus in all things, and if you begin acting in a way that is led by something other than love: guilt, obligation, anger, unrealistic expectations, just stop. Your heart is telling you to change course for a bit. So listen.  When you do this, your children will feel it.  They know when their Mommy is really focusing on them, or if she's a million miles away in her thoughts.  To be in the present moment will not only make you a happier person, but your kids will feel more loved and appreciated, even if, in reality, you are spending less time with them.

Love should always be the guiding force in everything you do.  Just keep that in your head, listen to your heart, and the Mommy guilt will begin to disappear.