Letting Go of the Control

The manager of the grocery store came over to my shopping cart where I was waiting to check out, and offered to load all of my groceries onto the conveyor belt.  Instead of being grateful, I went into full panic mode. He started loading them on, and I started to sweat as he put the bag of chips next to the milk. Doesn't he know that you put the heavy stuff on first, and the crushable stuff on last!?!!   All I could think of was the bag of crumbs that would be left of my precious chips when I got home.  Then he put the raw meat, next to the vegetables! The vegetables!!!!  Doesn't he know about salmonella, surely the vegetables will all be contaminated!!  I almost asked him to stop, but instead I tried to refocus and just be grateful.  I took a deep breath, and I told myself that everything was going to be okay, and of course it was. The chips got home safe, and the vegetables were uncontaminated, as far as I know...

I'm a control freak. I have been for a long time. I like things done my way.  I put a lot of thought into every little thing I do, so of course, my way is the right way. Right?  Maybe not, but for some reason when I feel I'm in control of everything, I feel safe. I've lived by the motto, "if you want something done right, do it yourself" for a long time.  I've gotten a little better since my kids were born.  I was finally faced with the fact that I couldn't do everything by myself. I had to have help, whether I liked it or not.  I know I'm going to sound ungrateful, but I had to let my husband give the kids a bath sometimes, even if sometimes he forgot to wash behind their ears.  I had to let my husband watch the kids without me sometimes, even if he fed them too many sweets or let them watch too much TV.  This was hard for me, giving up this control.  So of course, I would tell my husband, until I was blue in the face, the proper way to wash and take care of the kids. Ultimately, he always did things his way anyway.  

This control issue started early.  I was always a very quiet kid. I did what people told me to do, even if I was miserable.  It was probably around the 7th grade, that I found out that I had a voice.  And once I figured out that I could use my voice to create a world that made me more comfortable,  I did just that as often as I could.  The only problem was that I was like an unsocialized chihuahua.  I had figured out that my bark had some effect on people, but I didn't know how loud or how vicious it had to be for people to really hear it.  Essentially, I was really kind of mean.  I knew if I made my point viciously and with conviction, people would listen to me.  I certainly wasn't afraid to stand up for myself anymore, but I didn't realize that there were times when I didn't have to be quite so vicious.  You lose the upper hand, if you're sweet, I thought, and I needed that control to make me feel safe.

This need for control spilled out into my spiritual life as well. Part of what attracted me to the New Thought experience was this idea of recreating my own reality through the power of positive affirmations and intentions.  I was in control of my life, not some far-off angry, bearded God.  I was in control.

As I've gotten a deeper understanding of my own spirituality, I've started to see that I still didn't have this whole control thing just right.  Yes, I'm in control, in a sense.  I can create my own reality through changing my thoughts and setting intentions, but I'm still not seeing the whole picture.  I'm starting to realize that when I am in tune with the Holy Spirit (or the Universe, or my Inner Self, or whatever you would like to call it), I don't need to control everything.  In fact, I don't need to control anything.  Oddly enough, it is the "controlling" God, that I initially turned away from, that I want to control my life.

This time I'm viewing it differently though.  It's not the far-off, angry bearded God that's controlling me with fear and moral obligation, it is the Christ spirit within me that is guiding my way.  I'm listening and trusting to what my heart says, not to what anybody else in the world is saying.

Before, when I had a big decision to make, I would go through, in my head, every possible scenerio for every possible choice I could make.  I would stay up nights, racking my brain for anything I may have missed that could possibly affect the outcome of my decision. Then when I finally did make a decision, I would second guess it. Questioning my choice, over and over.

Now, when I have a big decision to make, I meditate and I pray. I find the quiet, and I listen. The answer always comes.  Sometimes it takes longer than others, sometimes it's not the answer that I hoped for, and sometimes I just don't want to trust the answer that I get.  I still second-guess it on occasion. But when I hear the answer, and I accept it, and I trust it, and I act upon it, it is in those times that I KNOW I have made the right decision.  Even if the whole world has turned against me because of it, I will not falter from my choice.  

So, this is where the control issue comes in. In those instances in which I am "in control", I've found that I've pulled the reigns so tight that often my experience is so limited and full of fear that having the control only gives me more stress.  When I let the Spirit (the Universe, my Inner self) guide me, the outcome is always more than I expected.  Everything is taken care of, and I don't need to worry about whether or not I'm making the right choice because I know I am. It becomes a beautiful, peaceful, perfect experience that is exactly what is meant to be in that moment.

So, now I've decided to drop my old motto in lieu of a new one;
Trust the universe, let go of the control, and enjoy the experience.

Releasing the Mommy Guilt

I have "mommy guilt" all the time.  No matter what I do, where I go, or how much time I spend with my kids, I always have it.  If I'm playing with them, I feel guilty that the house is such a mess.  If I'm cleaning, I feel guilty that I'm not playing with them.  If I give myself some quality alone time away, I feel guilty for leaving them.  If I don't give time to myself, I feel guilty for being so stressed out around them.  If I give them sweets, I feel guilty, if I don't, I feel guilty.  If they don't eat enough vegetables, if their shoes look too worn, if they don't have any clean socks that day, it goes on and on. Guilt, guilt, guilt.  I can't tell you how many times I have acted from a place of guilt or obligation rather than a place of love when it comes to my children.

I also can't tell you how many days I've spent just staring at the clock counting down the minutes until my husband comes home, so I can pass off the kids to him.  Daydreaming about what I'm going to do with my time, once I'm free from the kids for just a few moments.  The house is usually a whirlwind of toys, and some days an alcoholic drink is in hand.  I sometimes try to imagine the scene through my husband's eyes as he walks through the door, and I wonder how in the world he can look past it all.  He's used to it, I guess.  Guilt, guilt, guilt....

I'm a stay-at-home mom, so I always feel like I need to be some kind of super mom because I don't have a job.  I should have the house spotless, dinner on the table when my husband comes home, the kids should be reading to each other as I sew a homemade, heirloom quilt for my daughter, or some crap like that.  I always fall short, to say the least.  I'd rather be on facebook than play with play-dough.  I'd rather learn about new ways to meditate, than pretend I'm a cat or be in the kitchen scrubbing the floors.  I love my kids with all my heart, so when I'm not the super mom, I feel totally and completely guilty.

So, I searched my soul because I don't want to feel guilty. I want to be happy in every moment that I'm with my kids, even in the midst of the chaos.  I know anything done with guilt as the guiding force is never the right choice, and guilt never leads to anything but more problems.  So how do I learn to put the love in the place of the guilt?  I meditated on the question, and the answer came.  The concept was really quite simple.  Just be present.

So how do I do that? When my daughter wants to play hide-and-seek, my son is crying, the kitchen is mess, my husband is almost home, dinner isn't ready, and I have to leave in an hour to go to group meditation.  How do I be present in that chaos?  All I want to do is escape.  In my mind, I've already gone somewhere else.  Maybe somewhere in the future, maybe somewhere in the past.  And therein lies the problem. I'm somewhere else in my mind, somewhere peaceful, so when I'm forced to snap back into reality, it overwhelms me and everything seems like hell.

In that moment when the chaos overwhelms you, is one of the most critical times when you need to be completely present in the moment.  Take a step back, take a deep breath, and look at the situation again, this time with love.  Don't escape, just change your view.  Everything doesn't have to be perfect.  I'm not going to scar my kids if they're late to school, or if I don't play with them every second of the day, or even if I take a little vacation away from them.  Just be present, and everything will be okay.

When I'm in the here and now, I'm listening to my heart.  I'm seeing where it wants me to focus my attention on.  I just have to listen to it.  If I'm playing with my kids, and suddenly it's lost the joy for me and it's becoming a chore. Stop, listen.  Refocus.  That could mean just refocusing on how joyful this moment is, or maybe it means that it's time to stop playing and refocus on something else.  It could be the dirty dishes, or the laundry, or your self.  Just do it without the guilt. Make love your focus in all things, and if you begin acting in a way that is led by something other than love: guilt, obligation, anger, unrealistic expectations, just stop. Your heart is telling you to change course for a bit. So listen.  When you do this, your children will feel it.  They know when their Mommy is really focusing on them, or if she's a million miles away in her thoughts.  To be in the present moment will not only make you a happier person, but your kids will feel more loved and appreciated, even if, in reality, you are spending less time with them.

Love should always be the guiding force in everything you do.  Just keep that in your head, listen to your heart, and the Mommy guilt will begin to disappear.

Do I Feel Beautiful?

When I was six or seven, I remember going to ballet class.  I remember this one particular class, three or four of the girls were huddled around having a conversation about eye and hair color.  One little girl said to the other, "My eyes are sparkly blue, and I have beautiful blonde hair.  You have doody-brown eyes and doody-brown hair."  The other little girl started to argue with her, and insisted that her mom told her that her hair was dirty blonde, NOT doody-brown.  I was the shy, quiet kid, so I stayed out of the conversation, especially since I DID have doody-brown eyes AND doody-brown hair.

For some reason this conversation stuck in my head.  Stuck for a long time.  From that day forward, I didn't think brown eyes and brown hair could be pretty.   I didn't get hung up on the fact of it.  I just knew they could never be pretty, ignored them, and focused on other things about myself that still had a chance to be pretty. Throughout my entire life, if anyone every complimented my eyes or my hair color, I never believed them, and passed it off as them just trying to be nice.  Doody-brown eyes can't be pretty.  They weren't even that pretty hazel-y brown color, or even black.  Black eyes would be cool. They were just doody-brown, and I ignored them.

Then my daughter was born.  She got her daddy's eyes in shape, but they weren't hazel like his, they were doody-brown like mine.  She got so many compliments on her eyes, and I dismissed them all.  Brown eyes can't be pretty, I still told myself.

When my daughter began to talk, I began to see the power of my words over her. I could never tell her that her eyes weren't pretty, even if they were doody-brown. I began imagining her coming home from school one day upset because her eyes weren't sparkly blue like a classmate of hers. What would I tell her then? That brown eyes can't be pretty?  It was at that moment that those voices silenced. Those little six year old girls from my ballet class finally stopped talking in my head and telling me that brown eyes can't be pretty.  I looked into my little girl's eyes, and I finally realized how beautiful brown eyes really could be.

Did that change how I viewed myself though? Not a bit.  Brown eyes could be pretty, but mine still weren't.  I wasn't hung up on it. I wasn't insecure about it.  It was just a fact that this part of me could never be pretty.

Then, just like in the movie Inception, an idea began to take hold in my head.  A simple idea, that was introduced to me by a talk by Rev. Carlton Pearson.  The idea was that you have created this moment for yourself right now. You agreed to be here, doing this, in this circumstance right now at some point in your past, you just might not remember.

This idea spread to different aspects of my life, and then one day when I looked in the mirror, I felt like I saw my eyes for the first time. I saw them for what they truly were.  They were something I had agreed upon, long ago, before I was born.  For those who don't believe in reincarnation, this is a crazy notion. But to me, it all suddenly made sense. I looked at my eyes, and I saw my father's eyes.  Before I was born I chose these eyes because I loved my father's eyes. Then I looked at my nose, it was my mother's nose.  I chose this nose because I loved my mother's nose.  I chose every part of myself with an intention of full and complete total love, and I agreed upon every aspect of this body.  What a beautiful work of art we all are.

It's only when we get caught up in society's notion of what is beautiful, that we begin to forget how beautiful and chosen with love every part of us truly is.  We chose each part of ourselves without any preconceived notions or ideas about what "beauty" should be. You didn't choose your eyes because you thought other people would think they were beautiful. You chose your eyes because YOU thought they were beautiful. Your body shape, your hair, your personality, were all picked because YOU loved them.  We need to get back to that place.  A place where YOU LOVE YOU each and every piece.  It's not a competition because each "beauty" is different in each of us, and each one is beautiful.

Now bodies change, people age, we get fatter, wrinkly, droopier, but the concept doesn't change.  Love you for you.  Love the journey you've traveled, and how your body has supported that.  Start loving those places that are the hardest for you to love, and you will begin to see why they show up that way.  Get rid of the guilt, the judgement, the voices we've carried in our head, and begin to love your body like you did in the beginning.

Life in the "Fast" Lane

Ok, maybe I'll back track a tiny bit.  I wrote this on February 28, 2012 in my journal, and I feel compelled to share it as my first post.  On this day I had to fast for a routine medical test. That small change in my routine brought awareness to how much food or rather the lack of food could affect my mood.  I was a bitch to say the least. I stepped back, realizing this wasn't really me, and dismissed my bad mood as just a side effect of the fasting. As I did that, a small shift happened inside of me. I started writing and here is what came out...

We are just vessels for the Spirit. Just vessels. Our wants, needs, fears, every human emotion is just the ego.  This is a hard concept to grasp because if I'm not my feelings, emotions, needs, then what am I??  Nothing?  Yes and No.  There is no "I" only "us" -- collective, total "us".  "Us" is everyone, everything, every energy, God. 


There is no reason to ever miss any person in your life because they are always with you.  Fully, completely, totally.


Then why do I want to hold someone, hug them, touch them?  That desire goes back to our root desire to touch as an infant.  We were all taught to feel love mainly through our physical senses.  If a baby doesn't see, touch, hear, smell her mama, then her mama is completely and totally gone to her. Disappeared.  As the baby grows, she begins to learn that even if her mama isn't in the room with her, then she is still in the world somewhere.  The next step, which we don't automatically understand and that some people never understand, is that our mama isn't just in the world somewhere, she is inside of us, all the time.


Root desires are VERY strong.  They were our first lessons, but we must get to the next step. We aren't our bodies at all.   Yes, we need to fulfill our bodies' basic needs.  Feed it, wash it. Give it warmth, shelter, sex.  Sex has many levels. Basic root fulfillment, soul and spirit levels as well.  The root aspect of it involves the physical touch of the act and the continuation of the species.  This is very strong.  This desire.  But this is not what satisfies a person sexually.  This physical plane satisfies only that root desire.  The deeper levels is what brings us wholeness, true soul fulfillment. This can be done without the physical touching.  Separate yourself from those root desires.  You have evolved to where those are just secondary to what can truly be experienced.


I know now why people fast.  To see and know the difference within themselves without physical nourishment. But you can fast anything important, not just food, and then see how you react. See what is you and what is the hunger.

The start of my blogging journey...

For the past five months or so, I've started what I like to call "my spiritual awakening". I've been writing in my journal about different aspects of my life that have come up and needed clearing, but yesterday I had the idea that maybe my spiritual rantings could help other people on their spiritual path too. Maybe not, but it's worth a shot. I'm not going to go into too much on how I got to this place, I'm just going to start where I am, so here it is...